incubation

as of late i’ve been home in southern massachusetts feeling sick out of my mind. in so many ways i have not been well and i’m trying to deal with it. i spend most of my time alone and thinking through so many things, meditating, working on pointless projects, reading, and getting mad about where i am. since i started college i’ve found a new anger inside of me. but that’s a story for another day.

i have learned that i am all that i really have. i want to change my style and voice in my writing from being weak to strong in conviction. saying that i am all that i have sounds weak but it’s the strongest thing i will ever say. i can make friends wherever i am but i easily forget it’s just me. my time alone has affirmed this. and i cannot tell if i am a people person or not — i think i am split evenly. no matter what situation i am in i feel lost. i digress — i want to write about how i’ve been envisioning what i seek.

i’ve been incubating a lot recently. i used to incubate years ago when i was learning about lucid dreaming. i would lay down in bed for 10 minutes and pretend i was dreaming and plot out my ideal dream. this method is supposed to make the dream come into fruition when sleep came. this method didn’t work for me — rather, the habitual method of reality checks was the most effective method for me. i will write about lucid dreaming more another day.

i feel myself living in some incubation. i’ve learned that incubating is a sort of meditation, in a sense. i’ve been incubating dreams again. instead now, i’m thinking about the waking dreams. i’ve thought a lot about what my perfect life in the future would be. and i’ve realized it has to be something unanchored to people and fully founded on myself alone. here is my idea of my perfect life.

i cannot want anything without realizing who i really am. my entire foundation of my identity is based on a conglomerate of the world. my blood is 100% middle eastern. i was raised on the border of southern massachusetts and rhode island. i spent my first days walking on martha’s vineyard around the rich and the well-dressed. my summers were devoted to lebanon where i learned to deprive myself. my childhood was spent on planes traveling long hours, internationally and with great trouble. i was pushed out of my family’s country by war — i have been carried on cargo ships by soldiers and i’ve heard bombs exploding miles away from refugee camps. i have become intimate with the third world and the first world and it means all the same to me. i am indifferent. when i was born i wasn’t crying. i came into this world already sucking my thumb. sometimes it makes me feel better to believe that my purpose here is to be a Mediator. when i was in 8th grade and we went to camp with the wolves, they asked for the person with the most welcoming and calm aura to see the wolves first. they chose me unanimously. i will never forget this moment.

i’d like to believe that i am nothing short of everything. this is my religion. whatever someone can be, i feel that i can be it, and that i already am that. maybe i will get nowhere trying to be a jack of all trades, but that’s what i am happiest doing. my energy and my personality cannot be defined by any archetype — i am the textbook definition of a zelig. and by all of this, i feel that my life cannot be short of encompassing everything.

so here’s the breakdown.

a large part of me is attached to a nautical lifestyle. i want a beautiful boat and i want to be able to spend a lot of time on this boat. right now i can only vividly picture new england docks and trees. i want to see the coast when i wake up. and i am particularly fond of evergreen trees. cedars will always make me think of lebanon. i can see it all now, i just can’t see exactly where i’d want to be. but relatively, i want to be on a boat drinking and listening to music that sounds the best in the sunlight and makes people genuinely happy. i want fruit trees and bushes growing around me with the ripest fruits in season, depending on where i am. there are few things better in this world than fruits and vegetables right from their plants. i am in love with the idea with putting things in the ground and seeing them grow — this was the act that brought me closest to my grandparents when i lived in the mountains. the first time i had a fresh fig right from the tree, my eyes watered.

that’s my week life. my weekend life will be different. i will be somewhere different come thursday, spending days and nights with the most celebrated people at the most celebrated places. life is inherently celebration for me. this is another religion of mine. i never want to stop partying. i never want to stop meeting new people and listening to new music and drinking new beverages and experiencing new everything, all at once all the time. i want to go on a world tour seeing no tourist attractions at all. i want to do what people are doing all the time in different places. because i know deep down i am an aesthete — i prioritize immediate feelings and emotions. of course i know how to plan for the future. but the only thing i really care about is living for right now. i don’t pay too much mind for tomorrow. i am someone that has so many social media accounts for me to personally document the different aspects of my life and my personalities because i want to remember everything and i want everything to go on and never end. my 24/7 life will be something that transcends time and any human form because those are things i have never adhered to. it’s all above me.

i think there will come a time where i might be celebrated too. of course amidst and above everything i want to be an artist. but the profession i really seek is my role as a Mediator, a Diplomat, and a Saint. i am not religious but i believe in personal religion because that’s where all of my faith lies. and of course i want to be celebrated, but more than anything i want to join the party. i want to be a part of everything, nothing less.

writing this was really just more meditation for me. there is still so much left for me to think about. in due time. i’ve been enjoying the time i’ve been spending with myself lately. things up next for me: making money, getting rid of stupid habits, not being sick anymore, making personal projects come to life, thinking of the next big thing, same old and same new